Author Archive for

17
May
09

Stoner Rant The First

If I had the choice of bringing back one dead musician who died before his time, my answer would be the lead singer for Sublime. Not because I enjoy their music, but because that one album, 15 years later, is still severely overplayed on the radio. Had he had a few more years, we would have gotten the opportunity for crappier and crappier albums until he disappeared into obscurity. And I wouldn’t have to keep flipping stations every time Santeria comes on the radio.

10
Jan
09

I suck at life

So my ‘vast experiment’ to just brain dump on paper has resulted in me talking about comics I like, a theory about aliens, and stuff that’s a waste of time. I feel like an even more boring version of Mickey Rooney. Am I really this boring? The answer is yes.

Also, the Tennessee Titans/Baltimore Ravens game is still a tie.

10
Jan
09

Again with the Aliens

Recently, I’ve read two books and saw a movie as well. One was a comedy piece (The Toyminator by Ian Rankin), one was hard science fiction (Anathem by Neal Stephenson) and the third was an action movie (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull). All three are completely different. And yet all three had one major thing in common: Aliens. Not just aliens- Interdimensional Aliens.

Each of these handled this in the same way- there is a mystery they are trying to solve, and after the viewer is invested in the plot, they reveal that there are aliens involved. Then, further in, its revealed that it isn’t just aliens- as if the screenwriters are embarrassed with themselves, its revealed that we are dealing with aliens… FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION.

This brought me to a realization about popular science fiction and embarrassment with tired genres. You see, each felt the need to apologize over the fact that the major reveal in their fiction was aliens. Its like ‘Wait! Come back! They aren’t actually aliens… they are FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!’

However, this isn’t the first time this has happened. Way back when, Beowulf had monsters that came from the areas under the earth. As science continued to advance, people started explaining the monsters as coming from other places- first it was from the sea, from the far north, and yet we kept advancing and discovering no monsters. When we got to Jules Verne, the moon was infested with monsters. Then we declared that there was no way there were monsters on the moon, so 20 or so years later, H.G. Wells declared that those aliens came from Mars. As we realized that there are no monsters on Mars, popular fiction explained that those monsters came from planets outside our solar system. Now, as we realized how ridiculously impossible space travel is, we declare that those monsters come from other dimensions.

If we discover that interdimensional travel and string theory is wrong, who knows from where those monsters will come from next.

10
Jan
09

In Case You Noticed

I am doing right now what is known as a ‘brain dump.’ This is when I just spew out whatever I’m thinking about into various posts on various topics. I’m doing this as an experiment. You see, in my normal day to day life, I don’t write as much as I used to. Well I do, but only in a business writing sense of the word. I feel that over the past ten years my writing style has deteriorated rapidly, and I’d like to get it back. I think that the more often I write, the better I’ll get at it. You’ll also get to know a little more about me. That is, until my cobloggers start realizing what I’m doing and either kick me out, edit the heck out of me, or just delete these willy nilly. We’ll see how it goes. Just remember- sometimes you need to do a lot of sh*t-polishing before you can see the more shiny excrement underneath

10
Jan
09

Fun Fact

Christopher Lambert was in OTHER movies about a legendary swordsman travelling to the future. He still should have stopped after the Highlander though. I just saw about 2 minutes of Christopher Lambert’s “Beowulf.” I want those two minutes back.

Other moments I want back:

-The half an hour every day that my train to Andover is delayed ten minutes from my stop
-The time I spent growing up reading Piers Anthony, which could have been spent reading better science fiction and fantasy
-The time I spent explaining to my wife that yes, the goose she hit with her car was not her fault, but that yes, the goose totally had it coming
-The hour and a half I spent watching Brett Ratner singlehandedly destroy the X-Men franchise
-Time listening to my ex-roommate’s ex-girlfriend tell me that my relationship with Sarah ‘didn’t count because she wasn’t Jewish, and that I should totally go out with her sister instead.’
-Time I spent watching this season of Heroes
-ANY time I’ve ever spent in my life debating whether a Marvel or DC superhero could beat up another Marvel or DC Superhero. That kind of stuff just isn’t healthy. And I say that as a comic book fan
-Any time spent over the years reading Family Circus
-Any time spent over the years, while reading a comic page, exclaiming loudly about how bad Family Circus is.
-Any time spent over the years reading other people’s complaints about how bad Family Circus is.
-Any time musing over exactly how much money Bil Keane has made over the years making Family Circus
-Any time musing over exactly how much damage would happen to the American Dream if Family Circus is cancelled
-Any time musing over how amazing it would be for just one strip, seeing the kids from Family Circus doing something REALLY out of character or downright bizarre
-The 10 minutes I’ve spent writing this post

10
Jan
09

Help Celebrate the Release Date of Watchmen- The Movie

After this date they have officially run out of Alan Moore Graphic Novels to ruin! We are now safe for another twenty years when people try to ‘reimagine them’ or ‘be closer to Mr. Moore’s image.’ I can say that we are out of novels to ruin because we will see an invasion of broccoli-men before we see a movie based on ‘Lost Girls.’

07
Jan
09

Fun Fact

All lefties are actually lying. They are simply waiting for a crucial moment when they are being challenged so they can declare that they are not actually left handed and surprise everyone.